The Wisdom of 47 Years

 It appears today is my 47th birthday. I know this because my cabin is decorated with all kinds of birthday things and I spent about 4 minutes last night trying to do the math to figure out how old I am. 47. 

A few weeks ago, I was walking down a hallway in my house when all the sudden it hit me that I’m middle aged. What in the actual hell is going on? How did I not know this was coming on? Why was I shocked to realize it? Also- should I have a mid-life crisis? I can’t decide. 

Today is a beautiful sea day. We realized after taking our first 30+ day cruise that we LOVE sea days. The downtime is so important. You can’t go go go and somehow also soak it all in. You need processing time. So, I just spent the last 2 hours sitting on an open deck at the very back of the ship, sipping drinks and staring at the water. Bright blue sky and big white puffy clouds. It’s quiet in a way that’s unexpected for the open seas. People are talking more quietly, like in silent pre-agreed upon reverence for the joy of the moment. A perfect birthday morning.

Last night at dinner I was saying that I needed to think about the things I’ve learned this year. I always do that. Some years are more chock full of learnings, many of which are painful. That’s really how we learn the most, right? Some years are just sort of processing time. The calm between the go go go years. This year was go go go. 

When I look back on it, it feels far longer than a single year. It began with a bunch of unknowns at work- a re-org was coming. But when? And then sabbatical. Which was amazing and then tragic. And then back into the soup when the reorg really did happen. A new team. A new title. A new level. So much work. And then our renter moved out unexpectedly. And then a house sale that was dramatic and stressful and ugh. And then the harvests. And then some heart wrenching moments over the holidays. I remember feeling distinctly cheated at Christmas time because there was too much drama and stress and angst and then all the sudden it was Christmas and I hadn’t yet had time to sit with the joy and the wonder. To clear my heart, mind, and soul. I felt rushed and ill at ease. I felt like I didn’t get the expectation time. It was just gone before I could even have it.  

In a way, that’s the right ending for a year that was almost exactly that the whole 365 days. Too much all at once. Too fast, too hard, too stressful, too long waiting. Not enough time for the needed joy, the deep breaths, the downtime. A whirlwind year of mini tornados.

What’s interesting about times like these, which of course you only ever see in the rear view, is that all those tornados are clearing a path. A path you never knew you needed or that could even exist. I guess if I have any wisdom in these 47 years, it is that. I still don’t know what path has been open, but I can see it for what it is. And that means that this year will likely be a processing year. I’m here for it. 

One of the most traumatic and dramatic path clearing years I had included: moving across the country, buying a new house, starting a master’s program, my husband moving out and leaving, getting laid off, and trying to support a new mortgage, car payment, and graduate degree with a part time job making $15,000 a year. All that happened in 3 months time the summer of 2002. 

Do I know how to have a good time or what? I was the very ripe age of 26 that summer. You know how much wisdom a 26 year old has? Not enough. I needed my processing year- and boy did I have one.

Let’s not forget the year I started a new job, had 5 bosses in 5 months and then got a new role and boss and never worked harder in my life. Then, my man left me for the proverbial younger woman after a chess match of a year stringing me back and forth. I moved into a completely crappy apartment in a city where I had no friends or family. I spent hours every day walking because I didn’t want to sit in my apartment by myself. I was then 36. I had much more wisdom, but I needed a processing year. And, I got it.

Seems like these things are happening every 10 years. But this year, the tide has changed. The wisdom and the learnings are enough to ensure it. I still needed a path cleared- and I’m not sure why yet but I confident that it’s a good thing. My man is right by my side, where he belongs. Things are looking up- even when things are hard, we feel blessed. 

All that to say, I guess I’ve learned:

• If you hang on to things that don’t serve you well, eventually they’ll be ripped away. It doesn’t feel good at the time, but it’s necessary for your future happiness.
• No matter how hard you try, things will just keep right on changing. Don’t try to keep them the same. Change is helping you move down a path. 
• Be open to new friends. New friends let you be the new you you’re becoming. There is no expectation or judging. You’re just the you that you are every day. This is not to speak badly of old friends - who are so important. It’s just that at critical change moments, new friends seem to show up to escort you into your new self. It’s beautiful. Shout out to Sara! Sometimes you just need to live and breathe and think new thoughts without worry of people wondering who you are and why you’re doing what you’re doing.
• Do the stuff you said you wanted to do. There is no right time. There is no “bucket list”. There is no “maybe when…” Did you wake up today? There is today. 
• Release the stuff that bugs the sh!t out of you. Let it go. Drop it off. Run away from it. Don’t know how? Go get help. This is different for everyone, so I can’t tell you how. What works for me is deciding I don’t want whatever it is in my daily life anymore and then I get ruthless about getting away from it. This is a CHOICE you have to make every single day until it’s so normal you forget about it. We forget we have choices. We become slaves to things we don’t even like or want. As the Eagles song goes, “we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key.” You don’t have to live like that. 
• Be nicer to people. Are there stupid people? Yes. Do they suck? They really do. Can you choose to still be a nice person? Absolutely you can. Should you waste your energy on them? No. Should you welcome them into your inner circles? No. But you can be polite. Civil. Kind. 
• Ask for what you want. Not in a rude way- don’t be that entitled person demanding everything you’ve ever wanted. But show up for yourself. Ask for what you want. Let people know what you’re working on and if there is a way they can help. This is not some one man show where we’re all working to be the last man standing. We’re built for community. You get to decide how big your community is and who is in it. Call on your people. Answer when they call on you. The things you want are likely attainable. Let people help you. 
• Praise people. Build them up. Maybe you’ll be the one nice thing they think of at the end of the day when they lay down to sleep. Maybe you’ll be the one thing they remember on the worst of days when it feels too hard to get out of bed. You’ll likely never know this. You have to do it with no expectation of thanks or glory. You do it because it’s right. You do it for the sole chance that you get to be the bright light today. What a gift- to be the light. BE THE LIGHT.
• Get out of your own damned head and get out of your tiny little circle. Broaden your world. Let people in. Stop being so ready to correct people. Stop being so determined for people to know you’re right. Be determined for people to know you care. Be determined for people to know you’ll listen. Be determined to admit you’re often dead wrong. If you don’t have a handful of friends who are nothing like you, go get some. Friends of different ages, colors, political views, education levels, monetary standing, countries of birth or current living situation. The best way to see how wrong you are about so many things, is to experience more of the world. And really, do you want to be so wrong about so many things? No, you don’t. 

Thanks for being a part of my circle for another year. I couldn’t have made it this far or be this happy without your love and friendship. Cheers to 47 years!