The Subpar HoHo

Well, if you learn nothing else from today’s entry- please know that the Ritz Carlton in Santiago is absolutely spectacular and should you find yourself in need of a hotel in the town, pick it. Whew! Amazing.

So, we got to our room, which was a large suite with a separate sitting area. We found out we had lounge privileges so we scooted right up to the 10th floor to grab some breakfast before it was over. The lounge was awesome- expansive, beautiful, terrific city views, a full concierge desk, and plenty of snacks, meals, and everything to do drink. As we walked in, the concierge lady greeted us, “Buenos Dias!” We said buenos dias back to her but of course in doing so she realized that we were North American;) I’m not offended. I’ve been having bad pronunciation of other languages a very long time at this point. She told us that they were having a wine tasting in the lounge that night and did we want to come. Heck yes, lady. Do we look like people who don’t drink wine? 

After breakfast, we cruised back to the room to take showers and naps and get a bit settled. We didn’t plan to even really venture out since we figured we would be jet lagged or just out of whack. When we got hungry for lunch later in the day, we ended up down in the lobby restaurant for some appetizers - ceviche and albalone and they were both delicious and fresh. In true non-American style, that appetizer involved a lot of lingering so before you knew it, it was time for wine tasting back up in the lounge. Such a tough day.

Surprisingly, the wine tasting was just for 3 of us. It looked like they expected 6 but those other 3 dorks no-showed. I mean, there are stupid people out there. We carried on.

The dude giving the wine tasting was GREAT. The bar was pretty low coming into it. I mean, it could have been some hotel lounge staff pouring house wine but this guy came up from the restaurant and knew EVERYTHING about Chilean wine. He’d also traveled all 50 states and knew all the lingo and slang. We had the best time learning from him with our one other taster- a female doctor from Georgia, the state, not the country.

One of the funny things we learned is that Chileans are behind in knowing how to cook beef. They almost always cook it well done. NOTED. What the heck, people? Camilo, our tasting guide, told us he didn’t know it could taste good until he moved to Colorado. 

So, once done learning and tasting, we lingered a bit and ended up meeting this great family visiting from Walla Walla, Washington. They are also cruising to Antarctica but on National Geographic. Hard core people! Val, the wife/mom in the family, told us they were going on the Hop On Hop Off bus the next day and we immediately thought - oh perfect. We’ll do that, too.

With that, the not-so-full night of sleep started rearing its ugly head so we decided to head out. Camilo let us take all the bottles of wine (!!!) so we gave 2 to the Walla Walla family and brought 2 down to enjoy ourselves. Before going to the room for the night, we popped into the lobby to hear some live music, which was a great pianist playing all kinds of things, including some Christmas tunes. Before long, we headed to the room, found a Christmas movie and had a quiet evening. A perfect filler day.

The next morning, I popped up to the lounge to grab us some cappuccinos. We showered, grabbed breakfast, got the HoHo scoop from the concierge, and took off walking in the general direction, which proved to somehow be wrong, as it always is.

We finally found the meeting point, a park called Peru Park, but the concierge said there was, “no sign, but don’t worry, it is there.” And, he was right. Problem was, the park was decently large - so when the bus was magically there, we were almost exactly opposite of it. It drove away as we finally got there. Poop. 

We killed time by watching the local dogs enjoy playing in the park. Finally, the next HoHo rolled around and we made it on. We were delighted to find the bus was very air conditioned! It was near 90 and way more humid than we are used to. 

So, we get to the first stop which was some large, fancy looking shopping mall. We weren’t going to get off because…see description of first stop. However, quickly the staff came up and said they weren’t going to stop 2 and did we mind. We really didn’t mind because we were trying to get to stop 3 so we said, ok. Fine. But then about 2 minutes later, he came back and said everyone had to get off because there was a flat tire. Which felt suspicious- especially when we got out and discovered there was no flat tire.

The guy said, “You are ok, yes?” I said, “I have no idea what’s going on but who cares!” We laughed. Another bus came right up and we all got on it. 

Now, those of you who know me will be surprised to hear that we got off at stop 3 to ride these wild ass, freely swinging, terrifying death machines called cable cars up the side of a damn mountain. I started saying crazy, bizarre things the second it took off, which is impressive because I was also holding my breath, screaming, and crying. Jason laughed and filmed it. lol. 

Thankfully, stop 3 and stop 4 both were at the top of this mountain, so I was able to come back down the mountain in a different way- this was my first time in a funicular and despite the view of other people’s butts in our faces, I’d say it was pretty solid. It stayed on the ground and just sort of slid us to the bottom in a nice, controlled way. Bam. 

At the stop, we waited for a bus with a lady who was from Illinois. She was a bit of a hoot. Goes traveling solo all over the world and almost never tells her children. She said the son just found out because he tracked her on the 360 app and then said, “Mom, are you really in South America right now?” So crazy! Another crazy thing - I was trying to read the map and struggling more than usual when I realized it was in Portuguese. It’s been almost 30 years since I’ve had to use my Portuguese so I guess I should be impressed that I was able to read it at all.

Anyway, back on the bus and we’re cruising around enjoying seeing different areas of the city - all of which is sparkling clean and modern. We get to about stop 6 and they tell us we have to get off the bus again because… they were late. I thought, well, if you’re late how bout we stay on and you get moving? But, no. So, we again hopped off and then got on the next bus which was apparently on time.

Not for long, however. Around stop 7, we noticed our driver started driving about 3 mph. Approximately.  He literally slowed down to miss every green light. Now, I’m not saying we’re the smartest people ever, but we had a feeling something was awry. All we wanted to do at this point was make it back to stop 10, which would complete our loop. But going from stop 7-9 took almost an hour and when we got to 9, the driver turned the bus off. That seemed odd.

A few minutes later, some nicely dressed man hopped on and shook the hands of the driver and the host and then sat behind us. We all just sat there. This also seemed odd. Our host came around and seemed to be asking us if we could skip the next stop. We said - that’s where we need to get off. What’s going on? She said she needed some time. I don’t know what for, but ok.

About this time, the nicely dressed dude decides to point out to us that we can use the HoHo app to track the buses. We don’t have WiFi, we say. He said the bus does. We said that’s not what the bus is telling people. Then we asked him, because he seemed to know things, if it was normal to have to get off the bus and get on other buses so often. He said no- that’s not normal. And then he stood up and left. Like, just got off the bus. Ok.

So, the host comes back by and we said why was he driving so slow? What’s going on? She said the bus was hot. At this point, I was like we need to get off and figure out how to walk to the hotel. Host seemed sad and asked if we were coming back tomorrow. Lady, are you serious? First, no. I’m leaving town but even if I weren’t, why would I want to do this again you weird, subpar HoHo! 

Jason had been very pleasantly zoned out and therefore wasn’t sure how to get back to the hotel but I had been paying close attention because I had a feeling we would soon need other arrangements so off we went and before long, we were back at the Ritz. 

We were starving and so thirsty after thinking we were on a 2 hour journey but then going on a 6 hour journey with no food or drinks. Also, we were now sweating. So, up to the lounge for bottles of water, Chardonnay, and a quick snack. About this time, I realized we didn’t get an email confirm for our transportation the next day from Santiago to the cruise port so Jason sat with the concierge to see if they could figure that out. I bumped into the Walla Walla fam and told them about the HoHo shenanigans. They ended up not going because jet lag hit and their son slept till 3 PM. I said, hey! Good news! You got some great sleep AND didn’t experience the HoHo.  

Once Jason and the concierge felt decent about the chances of the driver showing up the next day, we headed for the room. We ordered in some Chinese food, took showers, and watched another Christmas movie. Uber Eats, for the win! Although in Chile, you have to provide your delivery person a code they text you or they won’t give you the food - which is great, because this stops delivery to the wrong person- but not great because the code went to Jason, who was in the tub, and the concierge and I were very confused!!! 

So, a bit of a weird day but also we got to explore the town, have some laughs, eat great food, feel stark terror and panic, and end with a Christmas movie. I call it a win. We went to bed ready to wake early for our drive to get on the ship!