Things are weird here. It’s like an alternate universe. One day, you’re living the high life, cruising the Mediterranean. Everything you want at your fingertips.
The next day, you are trying to build a prison smuggling ring lower in the ship to find a way to get toothpaste.
Today, 3 days into the toothpaste smuggling ring attempt, my cabin phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Yes. This is Dragon.”
“Alright. Hello, Dragon.”
“I have your things.”
“Wonderful.”
“This looks like a very good wine. Can I have it?”
“Listen, Dragon. I haven’t brushed my teeth with toothpaste in 3 days. I’ll buy you a vineyard if that makes you bring me that toothpaste.”
“…”
“…”
“I will bring it.”
“Excellent.”
“Wait. Do you need it opened? Do you have an opener?”
“Dragon. I’m in quarantine and haven’t brushed my teeth in 3 days. What makes you think I’d have a wine opener?”
Hilarious laughter.
“Ok. So, you want me to open it?”
“Please. Yes. And don’t forget the toothpaste.”
“Ok!”
This morning, tired of the no breakfast item selection on room service, I decided to order a slice of chocolate cake. It’s my dad’s favorite. Yesterday was his birthday. I’ll call it a continued celebration. It arrived. It was… a plain piece of cheesecake!
I ordered a flat white coffee. It was…plain black coffee.
I ordered a Bloody Mary and thought the worse thing that might happen is I either get another cocktail all together or I get tomato juice. Guess what? I got a great Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary’s are exempt from the confusing underworld of the quarantine floor.
Later, I ordered the Heineken so I could be ready to toast with Jason. It arrived. Guess what? It was a bottle. Not a twist off cap. Do I have a bottle opener? I do not.
But guess what else? I’VE TRAINED FOR THIS MOMENT. My mama didn’t raise a fool!
One time, we went to this Christian women’s conference in Fort Lauderdale and went to the gas station to get some beer for the room, as one does. When we got to the room, we realized we didn’t have a bottle opener. So what does my sweet mom do? Does she call the front desk? No. She looks around the room. She sees an interesting chunk of metal in the closet on the bar and she blasts the bottle of beer down on it like A BOSS and that cap came flinging off.
So, today, I’m standing there with my Heineken. I look around the room and notice the cabinet pulls look just about right for the occasion. I lock it in there best I can and then smash that sucker down. BOOM! Cap goes flying off. Also, beer went flying but whatever. You can’t have everything.
Later, I decided I should take a shower. Guess who doesn’t have hot water? That’s right! Quarantine people! You know what? I don’t care anymore. It’s backwards day. Or reverse day. Maybe even inverse day. I’ve moved on. I have a great bottle of wine according to Dragon, my prison smuggling concierge. I have toothpaste, thanks to Ginny’s tooth cracking incident way back in Spain which sent her to a dentist where she came home with a baby toothpaste tube!
We’ll see what other craziness happens later when I try to order dinner again. For now, I consider it all comedy and the makings of a good story. Let’s do this.
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